This post is going to be a brain dump (it’s also my 100th post!! Kinda annoyed at myself that it’s going to be a whiny one). Skip it now if you’re not interested! Consider yourself warned…
Ever have one of those days when you find yourself questioning how you ended up where you are in your life?
I’ve had a lot on my mind recently…mostly good things. This past weekend I celebrated one of my best friend’s/bridesmaid’s 30th birthday and one of my other best friend’s/bridesmaid’s baby shower. 2012 is going to be a big year for a lot of reasons. Myself and six of eight of my bridesmaids/best friends are turning 30. The first baby of this group will be born in March. I’m getting married in October. Eeeek! It’s a lot to take in at once. I said it before, but to re-iterate: I am thrilled about all of these things! I’ve just been getting that whole, take-a-step-back-and-look-at-my-life-as-a-whole feeling lately. Am I exactly where I thought I would be at 30? Definitely not. I couldn’t have imagined where life would take me. I certainly never thought I would be living in Brooklyn, nor could I have imagined how happy I could be with my soon-to-be husband.
Where do I want my life to go? I’ve never been more unsure of that either. I certainly had a quintessential idea of my life at this stage when I was, say 18. I always assumed I would be married, have kids, and have the house with a nice big yard, probably somewhere upstate. Where we will live “someday” is a huge question mark for us right now. We agree on a lot of things, but this one we can’t quite figured out. It is amazing how far we both have come – as little as a year ago I was was dead-set on somewhere north of city (Rockland or Westchester Counties) and he was dead-set on staying in Brooklyn. We have both bent our ideas towards the center, but we still haven’t pinpointed that exact town or neighborhood. We are both compromising a lot and although we promised we would drop this whole debate until after the wedding, it has slowly crept back into our daily conversations. Another idea we have been tossing around is trying to find the best of both worlds: a home in the city and a weekend home in the country somewhere. I’m personally not sold on this idea for a few reasons. #1 – we have cats that don’t travel well – how could we leave them every weekend? If you don’t have animals you probably can’t understand how hard this is. #2 – I hate the idea of packing up the car every weekend, and sitting in traffic. I’ve got some more little reasons, but they seem silly to share here. (Actually all of this feels a little silly to share here, but I’m forcing myself to share this in hopes that I might get some outsider feedback.)
So all of this isn’t exactly overshadowing our great year filled with plans for travel and celebrations, but it nags at the back of my mind. I am a planner (hello, the wedding is pretty much done for the next several months) so uncertainty really unnerves me for something as big as this. And the reason this whole post came up today? Simply because when I set out to start this blog, I envisioned it being filled with DIY stuff around the house. Some crafts, and some recipes, but I really thought it would be decorating my future home. I read other blogs and I’m so inspired. I flip through catalogs and I want, want, want. I’m also fairly frugal, so I can’t bring myself to spend money on our current apartment, even though we’ve been here for 3 years already. I guess I don’t want to make it feel too permanent, because deep down inside, I want out. I don’t know where I want to go, but I want out. It’s funny for me to look back and realize that most of my posts are about recipes. That truly was not the direction I wanted this blog to go in, and honestly, I don’t really feel like embracing it, because I know those DIY posts are tingling in my fingertips, waiting to be written.
Somewhat in line with all of this, and not to get too political here, but this whole SOPA/PIPA thing is really bothering. It frightens me. I consider myself a realist (doesn’t everyone?) but sometimes I read the news and I wonder where the world is going. Are we going the way of science fiction novels with Big Brother watching? In general I don’t think so, but there are some scary ideologies out there. I think these are important issues, and the general public can’t call in sick on this stuff, and we need to really voice our opinions, whatever they may be. If you don’t know what this is – inform yourself!!
I’ve also got the itch to volunteer, but I don’t know where to start. I used to volunteer quite a bit in college, but that was in a small city. I’m literally intimidated by the thought of volunteering here because I think it will break my heart. Isn’t that the most screwed up logic you’ve ever heard? I’ve always been better with dealing with small, one-on-one ideas/issues. It kinda hurts my head to think about life suffering on a grand scale. I’ve got some strict personal rules for how I intend to volunteer (to elaborate is for another post I’m not sure I’m ready to share). But then petty things like life gets in the way and I feel like I don’t have enough time to commit. Terrible, again, I know. But I re-watched this video the other night (Anis Mogjani’s “Shake The Dust” – if his poetry doesn’t move you, I don’t know what will), and I think I’ve re-invigorated my interest in doing some good for someone else. I’ll let you know what I figure out.
This has become quite the ramble. Those are just some of the things that have been on my mind lately. If you made it this far in the post – thanks for reading, and for letting me vent. I remember once trying to decide whether to stay or leave my job, and a friend reminding me “these are good problems to have” because at least I was lucky enough to have a choice. I try to remind myself of this whenever I am having one of these days. It’s still rings true.
And now for something completely different, that will hopefully make you laugh after all this sappy talk (I’m chock full of video links today, huh?)